


Left

by anotherbuskitten



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Different House (Harry Potter), Gen, Past Child Abuse, Slytherin Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 17:07:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6385048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherbuskitten/pseuds/anotherbuskitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius and Rabastan share the pains of being the lesser son.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Left

**January 1975**

“I tried to kill my brother again.” Is the first thing Rabastan says to him after the Christmas holidays.

“I take it you failed?”

“Doesn’t it ever worry you? Being friends with a nutter?”

“You’d be doing my family a favour if you killed me.”

“And you?”

“And me. Look Rab, there’s nothing to worry about; for one thing your brother’s a prick and for another it’s common knowledge that all second-borns are mental.”

“Your brother’s never tried to kill you though has he?”

“I’d overpower him in a fight.”

“That’s never stopped me.”

“Regulus isn’t crazy though. He doesn’t have your delusions.”

“Have you ever wanted him dead then?”

“Second-borns, Rab.”

“Never then?”

“Well…once.”

“Reassure me.”

“Father lost a business deal one time and blamed it on me. We’d had him over for dinner and Father used my clattering as an excuse.”

“But you can’t help the clattering.”

“Well he needed an excuse and everything else had been perfect. He was mad with rage.” He doesn’t have to say anything else.

“And Regulus?”

“Well I was thinking – at the time – that I’d rather he never had to live at all than live with the chance of this.”

Rabastan stays quiet for a long time at that. He already knows his friend’s suicidal but it’s always been one of the things they don’t speak about.

“We should try and get rid of your clattering.” He says at last.

“I have tried.” And that’s that; the subject’s finished.

“Not very hard. You’ve never gone to Madame Pomfrey, have you?”

“You know I can’t Rabastan.”

“It’s cowardly.”

“It’s picking your battles. That isn’t one I’m going to win.”

“Sooner or later you’re going to get one detention too many and someone will drag you there.”

“Or I could only eat finger foods. Just leave it alone Rab.”

**September 1975**

It’s different after the summer holidays. The first thing either of them does is check the other over for injuries.

There’s nothing visible. There never is.

They curl together in the small compartment, Rabastan holding tight to Sirius’ hands, “It’s gotten worse hasn’t it? What set him off this time? Spilt tea? Dropped fork? Rain?”

“Piss off.”

A while later; long after the sweet trolley has passed by, the answer comes.

“That man was there. The one Bella’s always going on about.”

“He was at ours too. They got marked in the hall.”

“Regulus looked excited by it all. Envious almost.”

Rabastan waited.

“I’m so scared for him. I couldn’t concentrate. I was shaking so much.”

“Does it hurt when I hold you still? Like when my parents look at me like I’m nothing.”

Sirius ignores him. “His magic feels different to Father’s. Tougher – like it takes an effort for him to use. Like muggleborns.”

“Oh, _Sirius_.”

“Not my smartest move, I admit. But I thought it might put Reg off.”

“And?”

“It didn’t. And I don’t think I’ve got anywhere to go next holiday.”

“I’m sorry.” He repeats into the silence for the rest of the journey. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

**December 1975**

They both sign up to stay for the Christmas holidays; the first time for both of them. Sirius has nowhere else to go but Rabastan is disobeying direct orders from home.

He probably won’t go back.

“It’s just.” Rabastan starts.

“I love my brother. I know.”

“Yes.”

“And Bella.” They say together.

“Yes.” Sirius says tiredly, “And Narcissa and Andromeda although I’m supposed to pretend she never existed.”

“I mean, I try to kill him all the time, but I love him.”

“But this Lord of theirs?”

“I don’t love him. I don’t feel anything about him really.”

“I think we’re supposed to hate him or fear him.”

“Or love him. I know; indifference isn’t one of the options. But I love my brother.”

“Yeah.”

“When you said his magic felt mudblood –”

“Muggleborn.”

“Don’t be weird.”

“I’m not; mudblood doesn’t make sense. Think about it; muggles don’t call themselves muggles so the word probably started as a slur, people just forgot.”

“Considering how often you get tortured for it it might be worth just buckling down for once.”

“Those days are over. I’m free.”

“That’s a nice way of saying unwanted.”

**September 1976**

Sirius isn’t at the platform when the summer ends. Rabastan hadn’t really expected to see him; he himself had spent the past six weeks hiding in Hogsmeade. He’d only come to London in case Sirius turned up.

**January 1977**

Sirius works at a shop in Knockturn. He doesn’t have any qualifications. He doesn’t have any skills.

His hands still shake. He only got caught by the – he won’t call them Death Eaters, he won’t – he only got caught once but that was enough.

He doesn’t think they’ll ever stop shaking now. He can’t hold his wand straight anymore so there’s nowhere left he won’t be a liability.

He worries about Rabastan. All. The. Time.

He reports suspicious behaviour to the MLE.

He hates himself. And he still loves his brother.

**June 1977**

Sirius is in the crowd at Hogsmeade after the ceremony. He keeps his hands firmly in his pockets and tears up when he sees Rabastan.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t stay. I’m so sorry.”

Rabastan pats him down, pushing and pinching to make certain he’s real, he’s alive.

“You’re alive.”

“Yes.”

“You… _bastard_.”

“I wish.”

Rab laughs wildly. “You left! You fucking left!”

“I’m sorry. I’ll buy you a drink?”

“That…really shouldn’t be enough.”

“Well it’ll have to be; I don’t get paid enough for anything else.”

**July 1978**

They start training to be Aurors together. They recognise three others from their year; James Potter, Benjamin Fenwick and Alicia Armstrong.

By some bizarre twist Sirius was top of their class; something Rabastan would regularly bemoan.

“You can’t even use a wand, for Merlin’s sake.”

“Wandless is more use anyway. For instance – if we get captured –”

“If?”

“You’re scuppered.”

“No I’m not.”

“Yes you are. You think they’re going to leave your wand on you?”

“I have a plan. And also a backup plan.”

“Go on then.”

It’s not them speaking though – James Potter has joined their table.

“What are you doing here Potter?”

“Well we’re in the same class and we get one break from training and this is the only place with food in it in the Ministry. I’m surprised the others aren’t here as well.”

“Yeah,” Sirius drawls, “They were smart enough to bring food with them. But why are you at this table, Potter? We are not natural allies.”

“Ok. So first, I’m lonely here and second we kinda are. Allies I mean.”

“Not natural ones.”

“No. But that’s the point isn’t it? Anyway I could use a plan for capture.”

“Don’t get your hopes up; it isn’t a secure plan. I’m going to carry a fake wand and hopefully they’ll take that one and not look for any others.”

“That could work.”

“Thanks mate.”

“What’s the backup?” Sirius says. “Because of us I have the most experience of being captured and I don’t think they’ll be that stupid. Besides you can feel magic in things – a stick would fool a muggle but not a wizard.”

“You can?”

“He can.” Rabastan clarifies. “Don’t get a complex.”

“What’s your backup, Rab?”

“Make sure I get captured with you of course. Then you can get us both out.”

**October 1979**

“Lily’s pregnant.”

“Congratulations.”

“Yeah.”

“You two are useless.”

They’re a good team, the three of them, even Moody admits it. And if James is sometimes at secret meetings he can’t talk about or if Rabastan still swaps letters with his brother or if Sirius still shakes hard enough that the floor rattles, well, they keep quiet.

**October 1981**

Scrying, even when the person on the other end knows about it, is illegal and that alone should be stopping them.

Still, they haven’t seen James in over a year and no one’s going to report these small intrusions. Even Mrs Potter, who doesn’t particularly like either of them, has begun to appreciate the calls.

James hadn’t even been there when Sirius literally scared a man to death on a raid which was just the sort of thing he would have loved to mock.

This time the mirror reflects James’ frozen in fear and they can hear the tail end of a shout. “I’LL HOLD HIM OFF!”

There’s high, cold laughter from in front of James but the mirror’s in the wrong place to see who it is laughing. It isn’t hard to work out though.

James laughs too, as soon as he notices them; “PETER!” He screams at them, desperation lacing his voice. Again Voldemort laughs.

The mirror fades as both men loose concentration. Both disapparate quickly, praying they’ll not be too late.

Rabastan goes straight to work to assemble a force and get Pettigrew’s name on the DE list.

Sirius goes to Godric’s Hollow. They’ve played guessing games with James before to work out where he was living – he hadn’t been able to give them further clues than ‘founders’ but that was enough. Now he just had to hope that Voldemort would have left trails.

Sure enough the dark mark is already hovering above a house. Sirius can’t see the house itself but in this case doesn’t really need to. The fidelius doesn’t stop him entering the house after all; only knowing it.

He runs as fast as he can towards the sickly green light. James will be dead by now, he can accept that but there’s a chance…

Even inside the house he can’t see anything properly; the walls shifting in and out of focus and the interior looking as though a heavy fog had descended. He can see James’ body though.

There’s more than enough noise for him to find the stairs;

“Stand aside, you silly girl! Stand aside!”

There’s no time to ponder the strangeness of those words as he runs; there’s an open door on the landing that he jumps through to do the stupidest thing he could do.

He tackles the Dark Lord.

Green light fills the room.

**November 1981**

“How’s Harry?” Rabastan says as he joins them in St. Mungo’s.

“He’s got a bit of a gash on his face from the fall but he’ll be fine soon enough.”

“And you two?”

Lily shrugs and Sirius flips him off. He’s missing most of his right arm and a good chunk of his face looks like it’s been melted off.

“We got Pettigrew.”

Lily nods and tries to smile at him. It doesn’t work – she’s only just realising that her husband’s dead and how close she and her son came to the same fate.

The large group of Aurors that turned up at Godric’s Hollow had an odd sight meet them. The whole house collapsed in on itself mostly crushing its occupants.

Lily had been the only one with the sense to throw up a shield as it fell and as such the bulk of the damage had missed her. The healers can’t tell if her voice will ever return.

Voldemort had presumably gotten away as there was no sign of him in the wreckage.

“I’m sure Sirius has already offered but we’ve got space at ours if you need a place to stay.” He hates how useless he feels.

This is what pushes Lily over the edge; a great waterfall of tears pouring forth and drenching her face. Sirius quickly pulls her into a hug while Rabastan sits down on her other side and strokes her back.

**July 1982**

Harry’s third birthday is a small affair. Lily, Sirius, Rabastan and Remus Lupin already all live in the same house and they have no one else to call.

Well, that isn’t strictly true; the Tonks family comes over after breakfast and later on when Rabastan and Sirius have gone out Augusta Longbottom will bring Neville over and Professor Dumbledore may visit later in the evening.

Sirius was pushed into retirement after Halloween; he’d already been a liability with only being able to use wandless magic and the extra disabilities just pushed his bosses over the edge. They had been nice about it and he hadn’t really minded all things considered. He’d received an Order of Merlin 2nd Class for his actions which he’d promptly sold to make a bit of extra money. Lily sold hers too.

They kept James’ 1st Class on the mantel piece.

After a year the extra money was no longer needed as Rodolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange were locked in Azkaban for life. Rabastan shared what was left in their vaults equally between the four of them mostly to spite his brother.

Lupin had joined them in December after losing his flat and just stayed put. It made Lily happier having him around. He brought up moving out and getting out of their hair approximately every day.

Voldemort hadn’t been seen since Halloween. The ministry and newspapers had mostly managed to convince everyone that he wasn’t coming back. Others: most Aurors and Dumbledore’s Order were still planning and fighting but with every day of silence more and more people started doubting.

Harry’s scar never did heal to the confusion of everyone who saw it, not that many people did; Lily rarely left the house and never allowed Harry out of her sight.

Once Augusta and Neville have left Sirius and Rabastan arrive back with a surprise.

Lily’s mouth forms her sister’s name as a silent scream of happiness while Harry investigates the chubby four-year-old behind her.

“That’s nice of you.” Remus says quietly behind them.

“Not so much.” Sirius mutter-slurs back as Rab wanders into the kitchen to get tea.

“Oh?”

“We told her everything in…December I think…and she’s ended up divorcing her husband because of it.”

“Ah.”

“He was awful when we met him but so is almost everyone. Neither of us has ever made a good first impression.”

“Never? Not even to each other?”

“We didn’t really speak much until I was ten. Before then I was allowed at the adult table when we had guests over –”

“But you’re the same age?”

“But I was the heir and he wasn’t. Anyway I was ten when the clattering started and my parents got annoyed enough that I was banished to the kiddie table. It was more fun there anyway.”

“What’s the clattering?”

“I forgot I didn’t know you at school. I can’t eat with cutlery without banging them against the plates – because of the shaking, you know.”

“How long has that been going on? I thought it was just a war thing.”

“Nope. Since I was ten.” He shoots a measuring gaze at Lupin before continuing. “I was born left-handed, which my Father – superstitious bastard that he was – said made a freak; he used to just whack me when he saw me using the left but when I got close to Hogwarts age he kept getting angrier until eventually he used the cruciatus as a warning. Stupid prick.” He spits.

“What.” Lupin says quietly, the wolf in his mind suddenly obvious.

“Jokes on him I guess.” Sirius says lightly, waving his only remaining hand at Lupin. “Yeah, most of the time the cruciatus doesn’t leave anything except trauma but if you get it a lot over a period of time – like me – you get permanent shakes whereas if you get a lot all at once, well, you end up like Frank and Alice.”

“You know that’s sick right?”

“Yeah Lupin, I was broke of thinking I deserved it in third year.”

“What happened?”

Sirius shrugs, “Nothing really. I just stopped waiting for it to get better.”

Remus doesn’t press, just lays his arm over Sirius’ shoulders and holds him close.

**September 1991**

Despite the passing decade there was still a small but dedicated group of people who believed Lord Voldemort was still out there – or at least that he would return and that they should be on guard and prepared.

But despite none of them being able to trust the peace all four of them had accompanied Harry to King’s Cross on the first of September as well as Petunia and Dudley.

The platform is as crowded as it ever had been. Harry’s torn between desperation to get going and longing to stay home forever. He compromises by waiting until the very last second before jumping on the train and waving goodbye.

The thing he’s most scared of is that he’ll forget what they all sound like; especially his mum whose voice is barely there at all. He holds her ‘ _goodbyes_ ’ and ‘ _see-you-soons_ ’ and ‘ _love yous_ ’ close to him as he searches for Neville.


End file.
